Love is not Love.
“Love is love!” A phrase we hear touted in pop culture by LGBT persons and allies alike. Because, all love is the same right? It doesn’t matter who you love, my expression and feeling of love is just as beautiful and valid as who you love, and it should be celebrated! But, is all “love” the same?
One of the many deficiencies of the English language is that there is only one word for “love,” although we all know intellectually that there are different forms of love. We wouldn’t have the same type of love for our child as we would for our spouse. Likewise, we wouldn’t love our pet in the same way that we love our parents. We love them each in different ways.
Ancient Greek and Modern Hindi are two wonderful languages that actually have different words for different types of love. (There may be others out there, but I’m familiar with these two.) Modern Hindi has a dozen words for different forms of love (check out a neat article by Domenic Marbaniang; Specific Words in Hindi for LOVE). Ancient Greek has eight words for “love”: eros, erototropia, mania, philautia, storge, philia, agape, and pragma. Since I’m writing this from a Christian perspective, I’m going to break down the Greek terms, since this is the language of the First-Century Christian Church:
Philautia (φιλαυτία): Self-love
Erototropia (ερωτοτροπία): Playful, flirtatious love
Eros (ἔρως): Sexual, lustful love
Mania (μανία): Obsessed, crazed love
Storge (στοργή): Love from parent to child, or child to parent
Philia (φιλιά): Platonic love for a friend or brother
Agape (ἀγάπη): Benevolent, pure, sacrificial love for God & mankind
Pragma (πράγμα): Enduring, committed, long-lasting love
As a linguistics nerd, I’m enthralled by this diversity of forms of love! It’s fascinating to see how many variants there are and can be. This also provides more clarity on what exactly we mean when we say “love”; because erototropia is not philia; mania is not storge; and eros is not agape. So, not all forms of love are the same or equal.
This is the problem with the phrase “love is love”: it does not specify what type of love is meant. Are we saying “eros is eros”? Well sure. Or are we saying “agape is agape?” Ok, that works too. But, I’m my opinion, what is being said here is that “eros is agape,” and that’s just not possible, no matter you may try to shove the proverbial square peg into the circular hole.
Our culture generally is oversaturated by depictions and desires of sensuality and carnal pleasures. Erototropia and eros are seen as the expectation and ideal of what a relationship must include to be gratifying, fulfilling, to bring happiness, and ultimately to maintain a successful relationship. And if they’re absent, well then move on to your next partner. I saw these sentiments rampant even more so in the LGB community, which tends to be even hypersexualised. There isn’t much consideration of agape or pragma, and many people mistake erototropia or eros for them, because they’re so emotionally and physically excited and pleasurable.
When we express agape however, we are expressing something much more than just something that emotionally or physically gratifies us. It is a benevolent, pure, sacrificial form of love. It is often the word used in scripture to describe God’s love for man, man’s love for God, and man’s love for his wife. Pragma likewise takes effort, persistence, and endurance. These expressions of love are more mature and developed than ever-changing and quickly-fleeting expressions of erototropia and eros. Without agape and pragma, any relationship is going to fail eventually, whether in this life or the next.
“Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
As the Apostle Paul taught in the Corinthians: “Agape is patient, agape is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV; emphasis added)
Agape (sometimes translated “charity” in certain Bible translations), is pure the love of Christ. It is the love we must develop in order to become like Christ and to be able to enter into Heaven. Our relationships, especially in marriage, must have a foundation of agape to truly succeed. Without agape, we are nothing.
Regarding this, Paul further exhorts; “Husbands, love (agapate) your wives, just as Christ loved (egapesen) the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy … In this same way, husbands ought to love (agapen) their wives as their own bodies. He who loves (agapon) his wife loves (agapa) himself” (Ephesians 5:25-28; next to the English are the original Greek agape conjugates). So, husbands and wives are supposed to develop and express agape for one another, the same pure form of love Christ expressed for the Church. It is ultimately agape that sustains a godly marriage, and that enhances other forms or expressions of love, making them holy expressions; rather than them just being carnally pleasurable and self-gratifying experiences.
“So, can’t a homosexual relationship experience agape like any heterosexual relationship?” you might ask. While I wholeheartedly acknowledge that there can be caring, committed, and fulfilling homosexual relationships—I know some, and I’m sure you may too—agape is not possible to be developed or enjoyed in a homosexual relationship for one simple reason: same-gender sexual intercourse is a grave sin according to the scriptures and the teachings of modern prophets (see Leviticus 18:22, 20:18; Romans 1:24-26; 1Corinthians 6:18). Because of this, homosexual relationships are in stark opposition to agape and they negate its development; for agape “does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.” Many contemporary heterosexual relationships are likewise negate agape’s development and expression, because they often engage in fornication. Both types of relationships are in violation of the law of chastity. This homosexual or heterosexual fornication drives away Spirit, leaving only a carnal, physically and emotionally gratifying bond, but nothing deeper. Whereas in the sexual bond between a husband and wife, where agape fuels their eros passion, the Spirit sanctifies the man and woman, making them truly one with each other and one with God.
Having been in both homosexual relationships and now a heterosexual marriage, I have seen for myself how stark the difference is between the carnal, sensual passion of homosexual sex and the sanctity of the sexual bond, as God intended it between a husband and wife. There is no comparison.
I don’t blame other homosexuals for not believing me, because I honestly wouldn’t ever have believed it myself, if I hadn’t experienced it. I would have gone to the grave defending my belief that any expression of love is just as valid and appropriate as any other. But I see now that not all “love” is “love”, and some forms of love just cannot be replicated in certain relationships. And as I have strived to follow Christ, developed his pure agape love in my life, and sought to see “love” as he sees it, I have seen how much more fulfilling love can truly be; so much more than the erototropia-eros-driven, homosexual relationships of my past.
