‘Thinking Celestial’ also means living ‘celestial masculinity.’ What does that look like?
John the Beloved leaning on Jesus at the Last Supper.
I recently saw the above icon in a Coptic Orthodox group. It’s a depiction of Jesus and John the Beloved lying on Jesus’ chest at the Last Supper; John gently leaning his head on his friend, brother, and Saviour. To me, this encapsulates everything about what I’ve termed “godly” or “celestial masculinity” can and should be like. But, what exactly is “celestial masculinity” and what does it mean to be a “celestially-minded man”?
Well, firstly, it requires ridding ourselves of worldly, cultural notions that often pervert and corrupt heavenly standards. Jesus Christ is obviously our exemplar in every regard, including what masculinity should look like. Everything Jesus did was to establish the kingdom of God and to help bring others to his salvation. He was an effective leader and provider, strong, hardworking, passionate, rational, tough, and even used physical force when necessary—he fashioned a whip and drove the wicked moneychangers out of the temple afterall for goodness sakes! What’s more masculine than that? Well, he was also meek, completely submissive to the Father, seeking always to do the Father’s will above his own, compassionate, tender, and, additionally, even emotionally and physically affectionate. He wept over the little children, over the death of Lazarus, and over his disciples in the Americas. Celestial masculinity is all of those things, and more. Too often we just focus on the former traits of strength, leadership, and toughness as the ideal form of masculinity; but this view is incomplete.
Some of the most beautiful examples in all of Scripture of what celestial masculinity can look like come from two of the most masculine, “manly-men” we have in the Bible: David and Jonthan and their intimate friendship and brotherhood. The text describes that “they kissed one another and wept with one another” (1 Samuel 20:41). David remarks that Jonathan’s “love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women” (2 Samuel 1:26). Some people cringe at these descriptions because of the flawed perception that these deeply intimate displays of love are inappropriate, at least by today’s societal standards. It’s important to remember that these displays come from the same David and Jonathan who were God-fearing, brave warriors; the same David who slew Goliath through immense faith and commanded armies; the same David who had many wives and lusted after women like Bathsheba (this lusting technically being an ungodly manifestation of the carnal male).
Artwork credit: Br. Robert Lentz, OFM
Other beautiful displays of celestial masculinity include John the Beloved “laying back on Jesus’ chest” during the Passover meal (John 13:23 & 26), enjoying some intimate bonding time with his friend and Lord before his imminent betrayal and crucifixion. Paul also admonished the saints to “greet one another with a holy kiss,” including men to one another (1 Corinthians 16:20). (Yes, he meant a literal kiss on the cheeks, still customary in the Middle East to this day.) Are any of these signs of intimacy and affection inappropriate, unmanly, or some sign that these individuals harboured some hidden homosexual inclinations? Obviously, the answer is a resounding, “No!” These men, who were the epitome of true, godly masculinity, were simply living how masculinity should be expressed and enjoyed.
Admittedly, I realise that I speak about this topic a ton—how many times can I reiterate the same unpopular opinion? A lot; and I’ll continue to do it. I address it, frankly, because I’m tired of feeling shame or being shamed by others for wanting more spiritual, emotional, and, yes, physical intimacy from my male friends and brothers, from those who consider such displays of affection and intimacy as inappropriate, weak, effeminate, uncomfortable, and of course, all leading to the greatest false assumption; that deeper displays of intimacy among men are just unhealthy expressions of inward, lustful homosexual desires. It’s extremely frustrating, to those of us who want and need more connection from our brothers, but will never receive it because of this stigma, or for those who do actually try to show and give more affection, they’re at times accused by others of being secretly gay and/or pursuing gay romance, and sometimes reported to Church leaders. (Yes, I know people this has happened to, especially students at Church schools.) Can we please change our mindset on this and destigmatise deeper forms of intimacy and affection among men?
The typical heterosexual man in our culture may think, “I get all the intimacy and affection that I could ever want from my wife and children; I have absolutely no desire for deeper affection from other guys.” That’s totally fine! I’m not saying that all men should be laying on each others’ chests at holiday parties. But, if some guys choose to do so, we should never stigmatise someone for desiring to show their affection towards their peers in a more platonic, intimate way. Anecdotally, I know many heterosexual men who crave more intimacy, even physical affection, from other men, but have no idea where to even get this because of the social stigmas attached to more intimate physical affection displayed between men in our culture.
Some men have remarked to me something to the effect of: “It’s great for heterosexual men to show and share more affection with one another, but it crosses the line if one of those guys experiences SSA (same-sex attraction) because of the risk of sexual arousal and temptation. So, for SSA men, deeper displays of platonic intimacy among men should be avoided altogether.” Brothers: this sentiment is incredibly damaging to us who struggle with unwanted SSA. Yes, it’s true, something that often correlates with our experiences is that we often want and need more intimacy from other men, including physical affection; but this is almost always the result of sincere, innocent unmet needs, which need to be fulfilled in healthy ways. So, hearing from other heterosexual men that wanting deeper intimacy from other men is something only gay men want, and merely even having the desire for more intimacy is gay, we (1) internalise the false idea that homosexuality must just be our fate and identity and/or (2) we shame ourselves for having these “disgusting”, “homosexual” desires for deeper bonding with other men, which then manifests as self-destructive behaviours.
Apostles Peter and Paul greeting one another with a holy kiss.
The late Dr Joseph Nicolosi, Sr (now deceased) and his son, Dr Nicholosi, Jr—who were/are both very conservative Catholics, and who lead and are leading therapeutic ministries to help SSA men address and manage unwanted SSA in godly ways—both have shown through their studies, that when SSA men are denied intimacy from fathers, male relatives, and male peers, whether through absence, neglect, or ostracising, it only sexualises the desire for and reception of intimacy from other men even more, making the sexualisation of men even worse and more engrained. I’ve seen this in myself as well. We internalise the false idea that since we desire deeper platonic intimacy with and from other men, this must mean we’re just destined to be gay. Conversely, the reception of healthy, godly masculine intimacy and affection is deeply healing for SSA men, and even helps us to desexualise men and transition unhealthy sexualised urges for men into strictly platonic. I have seen this in my own journey navigating faith and unwanted SSA.
Some men I’ve talked to about this topic have remarked that such celestial masculinity is good, but it’s inappropriate and/or impossible in our culture because of how the LGBT culture was wickedly distorted and perverted intimacy among men. I would cordially but passionately respond: The LGBT culture does not own intimacy! So, we’re going to need to abstain from deeper forms of connection and affection just because some people have chosen to pervert something that should be beautiful? To me, this is the same as saying that we shouldn’t use a hammer or sickle to do farm work because the Marxist Communists ruined that symbol; or that we should never display swastikas on Buddhist or Shinto temples because the Nazis adulterated the symbol for hate. That line of thinking is absolutely absurd and irrational in my opinion. No, those symbols do not belong to the men or movements who corrupted them, and we should do everything in our power to redeem and sanctify such beautiful symbols rather than just consign them over to hateful ideologies.
Alright, I think I’ve beaten the proverbial deeper-physical-affection-among-men-isn’t-gay dead horse far enough. Sorry; not sorry.
So, men, brothers, in our journey seeking to think more celestial, let’s let those thoughts translate into action, meaning also acting celestially, including seeking to live and exemplify celestial masculinity. May we seek strength, toughness, protect and preside over our families and communities in righteousness; but, also may we couple those honourable traits with the equally masculine traits of humility, meekness, tenderness, and compassion. Can we please cease to stigmatise deeper displays of intimacy and affection among men? If it was appropriate and righteous for Jesus, John, David, Jonathan, and Paul, it’s fine with me and I shouldn’t be ashamed or excoriated for living by their standards. We need more connection, more affection, more intimacy, more celestial masculinity in this world, not less. Let’s make this a reality now instead of waiting for it in the next life. Just like how “building Zion” isn’t just something we’re hoping to build and receive in the future at Jesus’ second coming; but rather, it’s something we must strive to build here and now in our hearts, in our families, and in our communities. We must start building Zion and living celestially now, so that we can be prepared to receive the Saviour when he comes in his glory and cleanses the earth. Let’s prepare ourselves now! Amen.
