Are Men Starving for Platonic Physical Touch from Male Friends?

Note: When referring to “intimacy” in this blog post, I’m meaning non-sexual, platonic, spiritual, emotional, and physical displays of affection and connection. 

Are any other heterosexual men starving for more platonic physical touch from other male friends? Sometimes I feel utterly alone in my desire to connect on a more intimate level with my male peers. 

I was reading a heartwarming blog post from Ethan Renoe, a heterosexual Christian man, who asked the question, “Why is it that men are so afraid of physical contact [with other men]?” (Ethan Renoe, Are Men Starving for Physical Touch?). He details his desire for more meaningful, physical intimacy and connection from his friends than the often shallow, brief physical contact we’re accustomed to in our culture. I love his take especially, because it clearly shows that this is not just a need that “gays” have nor is it spurred by any homosexual desire, but is simply his desire to form deeper connection with his brothers in Christ. 

I could cite various studies and articles discussing the rise in loneliness among men in Western Society and how this loneliness is contributing to serious health issues (much of which I already detailed in a previous blog I wrote titled “Lying back on Jesus’ chest was one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved”)—much of which is caused by a lack of close friendships—but, I sincerely wonder, do any other men actually feel this way? Do any men actually recognise this as an issue in their lives? And if so, are any men actually willing to do anything about it? Or are too many men in our culture “too busy” with work or family to care about having meaningful friendships, or scared to show deeper physical affection because of the perception that showing such affection will brand them as deviant or gay?

Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected from other men because of the lack of emotional and physical affection that I’m receiving from them. While I’m deeply grateful for the male friends that I do have, I often find myself starving, pining, for deeper connection with them. This absolutely has nothing to do with any romantic or sexual desires I’m looking to fulfill, but merely because I need more meaningful connection and affirmation from other men. This helps me to know that I genuinely belong, that they care for me, and that I’m loved. 

I’ve always been a more sensitive, physically-affectionate man—one of my love languages being physical touch—but I’ve suppressed that side of myself, quickly learning at an early age that “only gay people want or express that sort of thing.” So, for decades, I’ve felt starved for deeper platonic intimacy with male peers, but have either been too afraid to express or ask for it, and/or my male peers have held similar cultural stigmas or fears surrounding this issue, so they never expressed deeper affection than just the occasional handshake, fist bump, or quick two-second “bro hug.” 

I truly hate to write in a supposed tone of lamentation—I generally prefer to focus on the good and positives in life—but I’d be disingenuous if I didn’t express how I truly felt. That I feel this immense void in my heart from receiving only partial, superficial fulfillment from my male friends, and lacking any truly intimate, bonding connection with them. It’s like only being able to get a small sip of warm water on a rigorous hike, when what I really need is a canister-sized gulp of ice-cold water to truly satiate my thirst. 

So, what's the solution? I often look to the brotherhood between David and Jonathan or Jesus and John, as being the gold standard of what “celestial intimacy” should look like. David says of his brotherhood with Jonathan: “Very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women” (2 Samuel 1:26). Jesus and John were likewise so close with one another that at the Last Supper John was intimately “lying back on Jesus’ chest” (John 13:23), as they reclined and celebrated the Passover. I long to express these types of celestial, brotherly intimacy with my brothers. Why do we continue to allow our sexually perverse culture to dictate and control how we choose to express our brotherly love for our friends?  

To reemphasize: I’m not looking for some romance; I simply yearn to be loved like Jonathan loved David and have the physical intimacy John enjoyed with his brother and Lord. I’m doing my best to express this type of affection and foster these types of relationships in my life, in my local community, but I pray more men would be willing to reciprocate my efforts to give and receive deeper, more intimate, celestial forms of love and affection. Hopefully I don’t need to wait for such intimacy until the Millennium or until I pass through the veil into eternity. 

But hey, if you’re in southeast Idaho and starving for a Jonathan-David-like friendship in your life, I’d love to connect. We need each other.