Is it ‘Gay’ for Men to Hold Hands with Each Other?

Is it “gay” for men to hold hands with each other? What do you think? What about the photo above? Is that gay what Elders Bednar and Uchtdorf are doing? Why or why not?

Or this; is this gay?

Is this gay?

How about this one? Is this gay?

I think that the reasonable individual would respond with an obvious, “No.”

One of the most incredibly frustrating aspects of Western culture is how we have homosexualised more intimate forms of expressions between men. Some men—and no, not just same-sex-attracted or homosexual men—are just more affectionate and need and/or crave more physical and emotional affection and intimacy from other men. It’s the way that we most feel belonging, affirmation, and love from other men. Without it we feel rejected by, separate, and disconnected from other men.

For whatever reason, our culture has designated hand holding as some display of exclusively either romantic and/or sexual interest in someone. And if spotted by an onlooker, you’re in danger of being accused of some clandestine homosexual relationship or of adultery if with someone other than your spouse. Why is this?

I’ve already mentioned this in my other blog post,“Lying back on Jesus’ chest was one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved,” John laid on Jesus’ chest at the Last Supper and David’s brotherly love for Jonathan was greater than his love women (2 Samuel 1:26)—what beautiful examples of ancient Middle Eastern norms of affection between male friends. Likewise, in modern Arab, Indian, East African, and Korean cultures, deeply affectionate intimacy among men is completely acceptable. Accordingly, hand holding between men has nothing to do with romance or homosexuality. It is simply an expression of deep affection between close friends or brothers. Take for instance in Saudi Arabia, where it’s not uncommon to see close friends doing this:

Or even in Dubai or Yemen to see this:

Men in Dubai

Men in Yemen

Or to see this in Afghanistan:

Or to see this in Burundi:

Or this in Nepal:

Or in India to see scenes like this:

What about these scenes in Korea?

In Korea, they have something called “skinship” (스킨십) culture, in which deeply affectionate, platonic intimacy among the same gender is perfectly normal. Below is a candid photo of Korean young men enjoying some down time with one another:

In these cultures, which have much stricter conservative sexual ethics than us in the West—especially in Middle Eastern Muslim nations where homosexuality is punishable by fines, imprisonment, or even death—again, there is nothing homosexual or romantic about these gestures. They are beautiful and enriching expressions of fraternal love, intimacy, and trust between close friends.

Taking all these diverse cultural norms into consideration, can we please destigmatise this type of benign, platonic intimacy and affection among men? Can we please stop assuming that close friends displaying such intimacy must be a gay couple? For Latter-day Saints in particular: Can we please stop reporting more affectionate male students to the BYU Honor Code office for engaging in supposed “gay behaviour?”

Look, homosexual romantic relationships and sexual relations are clearly condemned in Scripture and sinful, and should be admonished against, but homosexuals do not own the right to same-gender affection. Let’s not let their sinful lifestyles rob men of the ability to express and enjoy more deeply intimate shows of affection with their male peers, keeping them from forming deeper bonds of brotherhood.

In my view, we men are restricting and depriving ourselves of a higher, Celestial forms of intimacy, simply because we’re embarrassed or ashamed of what other people may think or assume about us. If these displays of affection were acceptable for Jesus and ancient and modern prophets and apostles, then they are perfectly appropriate and acceptable to me! Personally, I’m not going to allow others’ sinful behaviours or flawed cultural assumptions to keep me from receiving and expressing more loving and bonding affection with my brothers. I choose to enjoy intimacy with my brethren on a higher, purer, more Celestial level. I choose to create my own little slice of Heavenly culture in my life. I hope other men will choose the same.