Dear Prospective Missionary: Serving isn’t going to make your Same-Sex Attraction go away.
Dear Prospective Missionary experiencing SSA (same-sex attraction); Serving a mission isn’t going to make your SSA go away … No, getting married isn’t going to either. So, for Pete’s sake, please get faith-affirming support and resources, and get it NOW. Stop waiting to be miraculously healed; because it’s not going to happen. The Apostle Paul “pleaded with the Lord” three times that the thorn in his flesh would be taken away. But did the Lord remove it? Nope. Paul continued to bear it with “delight,” the passage says (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV).
Time after time in my ministry work, I meet returned missionaries—elders and sisters—who have left the Church, in large part because serving their mission didn’t take away their unwanted SSA. Although their experiences have their individual nuances for sure, their stories are generally very similar.
This is the typical, recurring story I hear: For years they struggled alone as youth with unwanted SSA. They didn’t tell anyone because of the immense shame, embarrassment or fear they had over the issue. They hoped it would resolve itself eventually, if they were just faithful enough and served a worthy mission. “Surely the SSA would go away after all this sacrifice, right? Then no one will ever need to know,” many of these young adults think. The reality, of course, never pans out this way.
“Surely the SSA would go away after all this sacrifice, right? Then no one will ever need to know”
And so, no surprise, these missionaries return home, and the SSA is still there; and much more of a struggle than before. During their missions, many elders and sisters notice that their SSA is almost a non-issue. They’re so busy losing their lives in the service of God, and surrounded by missionaries of the same gender—getting the platonic affection they need—that their core needs are fulfilled to an extent, and they feel genuine joy and fulfilment through Christ’s grace, and by the Spirit. But when they come home, and the mantle of authority is taken from them, the Adversary creeps in and throws everything he has at these fine elders and sisters. Consequently, the issues surrounding their SSA floods back into their lives. This happened to me and many others I know. (Some of these missionaries decide to hold on a bit longer, thinking that a temple marriage surely must be the ultimate trick to heal them; but regardless, at some point after their mission or marriage they realise that the attractions are not going to go away.)
Many of these returned missionaries are thrown into a faith crisis over this. Some feel a sense of confusion. Some feel betrayed by God that he didn’t change them as they had hoped for. Some are overwhelmed by doubts about the gospel and its validity. Some begin to be seduced by the philosophies of men mingled by scripture; they wonder if they’re cheating themselves out of greater happiness by abstaining from dating the same gender and living a “gay lifestyle.” So, whether due to one or a combination of these factors, the pain and struggle is too great, and they leave the fold to find happiness outside the Restored Gospel and the Church that espouses it.
… do not wait until after your mission or after you get married to get the support and resources that you need, in order to help you deal with your SSA and your faith.
This does not need to happen! Please, get support and resources now. This is what the Church recommends in its Counseling Resource on Same-Sex Attraction: “Encourage the individual to develop healthy, nonsexual, same-sex relationships with trusted individuals. Help the individual to:
Find a trusted mentor or friend to meet with regularly to discuss goals and progress.
Disclose feelings of same-sex attraction to trusted individuals. Thoughtfully disclosing these feelings is not only helpful but could potentially protect some individuals against depression or self-harm.
Seek to strengthen relationships with trusted family members, friends, neighbors, and co-workers.”
There is support and there are resources that you can greatly benefit from now, rather than later. If you’re a young adult reading this; please do not wait until after your mission or after you get married to get the support and resources that you need, in order to help you deal with your SSA and your faith. The two can be reconciled in a glorious and beautiful way within the bounds the Lord has set.
St Paul the Apostle
Back to the Apostle Paul and this experience with the thorn in his flesh: He wrote further, “But he [the Lord] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses … in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Our SSA doesn’t need to always be a “thorn” or a “weakness,” but it can become a strength through Christ’s grace. Neither does it need to define us. Now, of course, we must keep our desires, appetites, and passions within the bounds the Lord has set—this is imperative—but we do not need to live in shame (or pride) for attractions we never chose. Through humility, we can let Christ’s grace work in and through this experience with SSA, to work a mighty work in his Kingdom and to his name’s glory. Don’t know how that can be done? I would suggest checking out the Principles for Reconciliation manual (shameless plug here): a general guide for Latter-day Saints seeking to reconcile their faith in Jesus Christ with their experiences of SSA.
You have a place in God’s plan and in his Restored Church. God will prepare a way for you to be able to keep his commandments and have joy and fulfillment in doing this. “For I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them” (1 Nephi 3:7). I know this is true. I have seen it in my life, and in the lives of many other saints experiencing SSA, who are living beautiful lives in the service of the Lord. I hope and pray that this can be your journey as well.
For faith-affirming resources concerning SSA and faith, please visit our website.
