I remember what the Lord has done for me.
An excerpt taken from a post I made in a private North Star Facebook group.
See this photo? A bit blurry yes, but this is me literally right after I exited the baptismal font on Saturday, 18 February, 2012. This is the face of radiating, pure joy. I remember that I felt so filled with joy that I couldn’t speak clearly. I felt so full of the Spirit.
I was reflecting today in sacrament meeting about the witnesses I’ve had of the truthfulness of the gospel, because, admittedly, I’ve been doubting recently. Doubting if I know if it’s all true. Doubting if the witnesses were real; doubting my testimony; doubting if I’m on the right path; the path that’s going to bring me joy and happiness; questioning if I’m cheating myself out of greater joy in the life by abstaining from a same-sex relationship.
I know that what I felt was a witness of the joy that God intends for us—a joy that can only be achieved by adhering to Christ’s teachings and keeping him the centre of our lives.
And then I reflected back on my baptism and the very real witnesses that I know I felt. I know that that witness was not the result of being in a frenzied mind. It was not just a rush of adrenaline. It was not just a warm feeling of love and community. It was an overwhelming outpouring of the most unadulterated, pure, and unearthly joy I have ever felt in my life. I know that what I felt was a witness of the joy that God intends for us—a joy that can only be achieved by adhering to Christ’s teachings and keeping him the centre of our lives.
Understandably, many of us doubt, even after we have received powerful witnesses of the truth. We wonder if we’re denying ourselves of greater happiness by following the “heteronormative” plan of happiness. We convince ourselves that we need to step outside the doctrine of the gospel for a while (if not for the remainder of our lives) to find the “real” happiness we’re desperate for. To love and be loved back in a same-sex romance. I’ve had these thoughts at times. I still think and feel these things at times. The carnal, myopic side of my mind yearning for it greatly at times even. I yearn for that greater “joy” that I could have in my life; but can only have if I just bend my morality a little bit. But, then I remember times like my baptism, I realise that the joy I felt then is real joy—eternal, celestial joy—and the “joy” that I’m yearning for in times of doubt is the joy that I will only have “in my works for a season” (3 Nephi 27:11). I totally acknowledge that living outside gospel doctrine can bring a sense of joy, happiness, and fulfilment, even for the duration of the season of mortality; but those feelings will ultimately end with mortality. They will not last into eternity.
Photo credit: Walter Rane; Alma Arise
“I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: If anyone in this group doubts like I do, I would highly suggest that you try to recollect the spiritual witnesses you have received. We must take ourselves out of the current struggles we’re enduring and say, “I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me.” Remember the glimpses of pure joy that you felt, and seek to have more of those experiences. I know how painful, even anguishing, the experience with SSA and faith can be, but there is hope! You are on the right path that will bring you ultimate joy.
No, we will not have the intense feelings of celestial joy frequently in mortality, but I can say from my personal experience, that as I’ve strived to sacrifice my will and desire to the Lord—the earthly satisfaction and joy that I could easily obtain in mortality—and to want what he wants for my life, I have the grace that I need to get my through my challenges and doubts. We may only feel and see glimpses of the eternal joy to come now, but eventually we will receive a fulness. Let’s not have worldly “joy” in our works for a season only, but focus on having a fulness of celestial joy, eternally.
