My ‘Journey into Manhood’ experience and its effect on my Same-Sex Attraction—It’s not what you think it is.
Disclaimer: I am not a spokesperson for Brothers Road nor am I being asked or coached by them to write this. This is simply my personal account and perspective from attending their “Journey into Manhood” men’s retreat.
Brothers Road and its JiM (Journey into Manhood) retreat get an unnecessary bad wrap; and admittedly, I used to have a negative view of it myself. The rumour that I had heard about JiM, was that it was a gay-to-straight group therapy session. “Follow these steps and you’ll be heterosexual,” I assumed. I had heard men claim that they either had their SSA (same-sex attraction) reduced or disappear altogether after attending the weekend, which was a concern for me, knowing how much I had personally tried to “pray the gay away” in the past—and had failed—and having heard the stories of SSA men who underwent the horrors of electroshock “conversion therapy” back in the 1980s. So, I doubted the legitimacy of their practices, and the morality of their purpose.
I was very much in the crowd that believed that SSA is a challenge that God gives or allows us to experience in mortality, and that no amount of therapy or prayer is going to make it go away. However, I did (and still do) believe that surrendering my will to God, and allowing his grace to take effect in my life, could help me to manage my SSA in a righteous way, and could reduce its impact on my life.
But, my perceptions and assumptions of JiM and the purpose of the retreat were not only mistaken, but just dead wrong. JiM, frankly, has changed my life. It has completely changed my perspective of what it means to experience SSA and broadened my view on what can be done for God-fearing men who desire to be faithful to traditional Biblical doctrines regarding sexuality and marriage.
So what exactly is JiM? Well, firstly, it is not some programme aimed to help men to achieve some superficial level of “masculinity;” if men just learn to eat more red meat, play more sports, so that they can grow more chest hair, and then be “real men.” No, the basis of the weekend, is that many men in Western Culture have not had formative boys-to-men, rites-of-passage initiation rituals that are prevalent and integral in other non-Western cultures; such as in traditional African or Asian tribes. The retreat is structured after such tribal rites of passage.
Although most of the men that attend do experience SSA, all men of any faith are welcome. Simply put: it’s a three-day retreat “designed especially for men to address internal conflicts over their sexual thoughts, feelings, identity, values, and behaviors—in a compassionate yet challenging environment of self-discovery, inner healing, radical acceptance, and brotherly support.” It also “helps men explore and fulfill their needs for same-sex affection, community, and brotherhood in platonic and affirming ways that align with their faith and values.” They make very clear that JiM “is not a ‘gay-to-straight’ intervention. It is not about anyone ‘converting’ to heterosexuality;” but rather, is focused on helping men better understand and embrace our masculinity, and help us overcome past hurt or traumas that may be keeping us from fully living and thriving in our God-given masculinity and roles as men.
Australian Aboriginal male initiation ritual
I’ll admit, going into the Journey I was quite skeptical of what it could actually do for me, but I was willing to throw myself fully into the process with an open mind, so that I could at least say that I tried my best; and whatever happened would happen. Then, I could take what resounded with me and leave the rest. So, I dived headfirst into the experience, and soaked up everything that I could glean from it. I feel since I took this approach, I learned some valuable lessons about myself and the retreat became one of the most sacred experiences of my life.
I absolutely loved that they required us to be completely disconnected from all electronics and distractions during the entirety of the weekend. This really helped me to stay solely focused on God, my connection with his creations, and my connection with my JiM brothers. I remember feeling such an intense feeling of bonding with the other brothers there—more than just a superficial friendship—but a deep, platonic intimacy with them through the exercises we did with one another. Further, I could feel the Holy Spirit facilitating this whole process, enlightening me and the group collectively.
At the onset of the weekend, I admittedly felt clear sexual attractions to a few of the other men. But curiously, by the end of the retreat, I felt solely a deep love and fraternity with the other men, and I really didn’t have much of any sexual attraction to my newly-made brothers. I honestly was not expecting this outcome at all, nor do I understand how this fraternal bonding could have reduced my sexual attractions to those men, but somehow it did, and I cannot deny that reality.
Malawi male initiation ritual
There’s so much more I could say about this retreat, if I had the time—and if you had the had the patience to read it—but my main takeaway from the weekend is this: I learned how certain negative events from my upbringing, and how unfulfilled core needs that I have, may affect the prevalence of the same-sex attractions that I feel in my life. Brothers Road has an awesome M.A.N.S. model to follow to help men fully embrace their masculinity and get those core needs met. I’ve seen personally how applying this model has helped me to be a more confident man and, for a brief time during and after the retreat, to not feel the prevalence of SSA as much in my life. Again, I don’t have an explanation of how this worked, but that is what I felt.
I am absolutely not promoting the idea that anyone and everyone can have their SSA reduced or removed by going through some regiment and/or intensive therapy. No, I do not think that is possible. I do not believe that there is a definite solution for everyone, nor do I believe that there is some universal “cure all” that can completely remove SSA from someone’s mortal experience—including any amount of prayer or righteousness. The reasons for and causalities of why someone may experience SSA are diverse and extremely complex. Frankly, I believe that it may be a combination of God giving, or allowing, this challenge for some of his children to experience in mortality (see Ether 12:27), and/or some of it may be due to environmental factors, such as trauma or other negative experiences in childhood. Could therapy and/or M.A.N.S. work help to reduce some men’s SSA? Maybe. As I’ve seen this somewhat in my own life.
In the scheme of things, is reduction of SSA even important? For me—a believing Christian, who understands the Bible’s prohibitions on same-gender sexual acts—not having constant sexual urges for attractive men in my life is not just something “nice,” but it’s helpful in building more intimate relationships with men, where sexual attraction isn’t the driving factor or distraction. Is this necessary? No, it isn’t. But it has helped me personally in my journey. Of course, what is necessary and most important for any man, SSA or not—or prevalence of sexual attractions—if he desires to follow God, is to “let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow [Christ]” (Luke 9:23 ESV). Through that self denial, and surrendering of our desires, appetites and passions to the Lord, grace is able to take its effect in our lives, change our natures, and fill us with love, peace, and fulfilment; making us new creatures in Christ Jesus.
I’m exceedingly grateful for my experience going through JiM, the relationships I have built, and the tools I have received for my own life. I’m not completely sold on everything they taught, but overall I had an overwhelmingly positive experience, and I hope many others will have the opportunity to have a similar experience as mine. I was able to catch a small glimpse of what pure, righteous, and deeply intimate masculinity and brotherhood can be—and I believe what it should be. I feel this is something that we have lost among men in our Western Culture, because we’ve homosexualised platonic male intimacy (but that’s a subject for another time). My hope is that more men can experience that same level of platonic intimacy in their lives.
