“Lying back on Jesus’ chest was one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved.”
Men have been deprived of more fulfilling friendships with each other due to flawed cultural norms and the “homosexualisation”of platonic intimacy among men. Correspondingly, loneliness is one of the leading causes of adverse emotional and physical health effects among men.
John the Beloved resting on Jesus’ bosom.
Picture happening to walk into a dinner gathering. There, in the room is your stake president (or for non-Latter-day Saint readers: your bishop, pastor, or rabbi) with his counsellors and the high councilmen. Your eye immediately focuses on the fact that all the men are reclining, and one of the stake president’s counsellors is laying on the president’s chest as they dine. What’s your first impression of this scene? What if this scene involved another group of men; would your perception change?
No doubt, this scene most likely would make many of us cringe and even cause us to stir with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about how inappropriate this particular display of affection is; that these men look like they’re a gay man and his lover. Unfortunately—and mostly to the detriment of men—I think, like most conservative Christian men in Western culture, somehow we have come to “homosexualise” more intimate displays of affection between men. We might subconsciously think, “Sure, I’ll put my arm around a guy’s shoulder or give a “bro-hug,” but not for too long, because that’d just be ‘gay.’” As if some arbitrary amount of time makes physical touch homosexual?
“Last Supper” by Plautilla Nelli
At the last supper, during their Passover seder, Jesus and his apostles reclined as they celebrated Israel’s miraculous deliverance from bondage. As Jesus spoke, it’s recorded that “lying back on Jesus’ chest was one of his disciples, whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23 NASB). I think that many of us tend to gloss over this scene, because it doesn’t fit our distorted cultural norm of what appropriate physical touch between men should look like. We may enthusiastically sing the children’s hymn “I’m trying to be like Jesus … I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do,” but, even with this display of affection between Jesus and John being wholly appropriate and non-sexual, many of us may think, consciously or not, that this particular physical touch “is just too gay for me.”
Many in modern pop culture, including some “progressive Christians,” take Jesus and John’s display of intimacy to another extreme, by trying to blasphemously claim that they must have been homosexual lovers; implying that such a display of same-gender affection can clearly only be had between lovers. (They likewise claim the same fallacy for David and Jonathan, because of their intimate friendship.) But the affection Jesus and John showed to one another was simply a very normal, brotherly sign of closeness and love common in ancient and modern Semitic culture.
Arab greeting gesture
Today, in modern Arab nations, these displays of platonic, physical intimacy among men are still a cultural norm. It’s not uncommon to see close friends holding hands, or greeting each other with a kiss on or touch of the forehead or cheek (shown in the photos above). In a part of the world where homosexuality is totally forbidden, there’s absolutely nothing gay about these gestures. No, in these beautiful, masculine gestures, we can see a glimpse of what healthy, platonic relationships can look like among men. Sadly, this is something we have lost in Western Culture, to the detriment to generations of men. So, what brought us to this point, where men cringe at even the thought of being affectionate with other men, when this used to be such a common part of culture?
Up until the late 20th Century, homosexuality was never seen as an identity, or really conceived of as a lifestyle by most people. The term “homosexual” and the concept of being a homosexual or “gay” person wasn’t even coined until 1868. Homosexuality had almost exclusively been perceived as merely the act of same-gender sexual intercourse, and discussed of almost exclusively in academic or medical journals and papers. Thus, no one really equated platonic affection among men as homosexual nor as something inappropriate. It was just a natural expression of close bonding in friendship and brotherhood.
Early photographs (like you see above and below) from the 19th and early 20th Centuries show close friends posing in intimate, affectionate ways; holding hands, resting their heads on each other’s shoulder or chest, or laying next to each other. These close friends would at times consider themselves as “bosom buddies.” I envy their ability to be able to express such love and appreciation for one another in such an affectionate way. In a time when homosexual acts were punishable by prison sentences or institutionalisation, these men definitely would not have gotten these photos taken in public by a professional photographer—which was the only way to do it—if it were ever considered to be a “gay thing.” No, to these men, they were just showing their brotherly love and bond with their dear friends.
It’s only been until very recent generations that platonic intimacy among men has been stigmatised. With the sexual revolutions of the 1960s and 1970s, came the destructive push to normalise homosexual relationships, and to see homosexuality as an identity label and lifestyle, along with whatever traits, characteristics, and expressions that became associated with “being” gay. From this cultural change, more conservative, heterosexual men began to distance themselves from showing any affection that may be misconstrued as “effeminate” or suggestive of homosexual behaviour. This trend continued down into my childhood, in the 1990s, when “gay” was used as a pejorative for anything bad, weird, or stupid; and any slip of mannerism that may be perceived as being even remotely effeminate could get you labelled as a “fag.” (I’m all too familiar with this.) It’s no wonder why so many conservative Christian men from my and the previous couple generations struggle to show more meaningful physical displays of love to their friends. I feel like this has been taken to the extreme, where men even tend to disvalue the importance of platonic male friendships entirely; choosing to instead focus solely on their relationships with their spouse and children.
Of course, serving God, our spouses, and our children, and nourishing our relationships with them is our most important priority in life. But, in our conservative Christian culture, many men feel that their wife and children should be their only focus and fulfil all their needs in life. Spending time with friends comes last, if we have time at all; and most of the time we don’t, unless we actually make time for it. But, this mentality is flawed and unhealthy. Our spouses were never meant to carry the burden of needing to meet all of our relationship needs.
You may ask while reading this, “So what? Why is this even relevant or important for me as a man anyway?” Well, this change in culture regarding platonic male intimacy corresponds directly with a general decline in male relationships—particularly in the United States—and a subsequent trend of an increasing number of men experiencing debilitating loneliness. More men than ever are claiming to have little to no close friends, let alone any friends at all.
Miners having an all-male “cow boy dance.”
Statistics have shown that loneliness not only has a negative emotional effect on men, but seriously affects men’s health in adverse ways. According to the National Library of Medicine, “loneliness, and living alone can increase your odds of dying prematurely by up to 32%. Loneliness [with men] is associated with a higher risk of Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and stroke.” I’m not implying that a lack of platonic intimacy is creating these adverse health effects, nor that showing more affection for our friends will fix health issues, but that the lack of platonic intimacy is a tragic loss resulting from a much larger problem; the decline of male friendships.
Progressive pop culture tells us that you must be gay if you’re a man and desire to have a deeper emotional and physical connection with other men. In a similar way, conservative Christian culture has adopted the belief that too much physical affection between men, aside from the occasional bro-hug, resembles or is a sign of homosexual behaviour, and is therefore inappropriate, or even sinful. (Even though it’s perfectly acceptable for women to hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, or show other types of physical affection, and no one bats an eye; but, that’s a rant for another time.) I for one, reject both of these notions as false, and blatantly inconsistent with history and scripture. They completely distort what it means to be a man and what’s an appropriate way to express one’s masculinity. I believe that this is one way Satan is trying to make men’s hearts wax cold for one another and destroy natural affection and love (Matthew 24:12; Luke 21:26).
As I’ve matured, I’ve come to see Jesus and John’s display of affection as a pure, righteous and wholly-appropriate example set by the Saviour and his apostles of what platonic, brotherly intimacy within male-male friendships can look like, and much more beautiful can be. I’ve also come to see the tragedy of men being deprived of more fulfilling brotherly intimacy in their relationships with other men, because of our fear that showing deeper affection we will be perceived as being homosexual. But others’ perceptions are not going to define how I express my masculinity. The only person and authority who defines who men are—who I am as a man—and I how can express my masculinity, is God, and look to him alone for guidance on how to do this. I choose to live having more deeply fulfilling, intimate relationships with my brothers. I hope more men will choose to do the same, and not judge others unrighteously who choose to do so as well.
