Romantic Love is not a necessary prerequisite for a Successful Marriage.
The Worldly Ideals of Romanticism
The vast majority of us have a Disney-fairytale vision of what marriage should and must be for it ever to be remotely successful; an idea we, and Disney, inherited from Romanticism. In Western Culture, we’ve been captivated by the “ideal” of two lovers so madly in love, that they can almost read each others’ minds and needs. They’re so deeply in sync and bonded that they just can’t get enough of each other, and the passion in their relationship is unending. Belle and the Beast; Bella and Edward; Rose and Jack—what beautiful portrayals of the love we should be striving to bring into our marriages, right? But not only is this view of love and marriage immature; it’s damaging, un-biblical, and keeps us from receiving the deeper joy and greater blessings God, our Heavenly Father, intends for our relationships, especially in marriage.
Have you ever heard the idea that, in order to marry, we need to find “the one,” our “soulmate”? That’s a fabrication of Romanticism. Or what about these notions: that our spouse should be our “best friend”; or that we need to feel an intense, special attraction to someone for there to be compatibility with them; or that we need to have highly satisfying sex at the beginning and for the duration of our marriages; or that couples should spend constant time with each other? And if these conditions aren’t met or present, then your relationship just simply isn’t meant to be, or your marriage is destined to fail, eventually. Yep, all of these notions are also skewed ideals stemming from Romanticism.
Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, says that the most common misconception that Christians have, that’s damaging marriage, is this: “Finding a ‘soul mate’—someone who will complete us,” he says. “The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God. … If we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.”
“Finding a ‘soul mate’—someone who will complete us … The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God. … If we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.”
Don’t misunderstand me: I am not saying that having a passionate and vibrant love life is a bad thing. Having such is beautiful and can come as a natural result of having a healthy, Christ-centred relationship/marriage. But, we should never see it as a necessary prerequisite before we can ever consider entering into a marriage, or that the absence of it in a marriage is a sign that spouses should or must divorce, because it’s just not meant to be.
You might be thinking, “Well, I agree that infatuation or other immature forms of love aren’t necessary prerequisites for marriage, but come on; you need to love and be attracted to whomever you marry, right?” Well, yes and no. It depends on what type of “love” you’re talking about.
Ancient Greek Words for “Love”
One of the downsides of the English language is that there is only one word for “love.” In Ancient Greek, there are multiple words for “love,” for different forms of love. Storge is the type of love a parent would have for their child. Ludus is playful, flirting, or teasing love between casual lovers. Eros is romantic, sexually passionate, erotic love that lovers have for one another. Philia is the type of love brothers or close friends have for one another. Pragma is long-lasting, patient, committed love, common between long-established couples. Agape is a higher, more devoted, and selfless type of love. Agape is often the word used in the Greek New Testament and Septuagint used in reference to God’s love for his children. In fact, it’s this word that is translated into English as “charity” in the KJV (or “love” in other translations), as found in Paul’s teachings on charity/love in 1 Corinthians 13.
“Agape [love] is patient and kind; agape does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Agape bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 ESV)
When taking these different forms of love into account, we can see with a clearer perspective into the types of love we may be expressing or withholding from others. When I hold up Paul’s teachings on agape-love juxtaposed to society’s ideals of Romantic love, I see a stark contrast between the two, especially in regards to the quality of the love, the fulfilment one can get from pursuing or indulging it, and ultimately the joy that will result from it. Romanticism to me portrays a whole lot of ludus and eros, but severely lacks agape and the resulting pragma. Romantic love tends to be a much more immature, selfish, carnal, and fleeting form of love; whereas agape-love is more selfless, enduring, and fulfilling.
So why does our culture focus so much on romance and Romantic ideals of love? Let’s face it; it’s sexy, it’s attractive, and it’s exciting. Agape and pragma-love, by comparison, take much more effort, humility, and patience to produce and maintain—definitely not the hottest or most attractive vision for marriage that most people have. One is more about instant gratification, and the other takes time; but, the fulfilment from the latter is more sustainable and everlasting.
Look, I’m not saying that having Romantic attraction or love for someone is necessarily wrong or sinful. Many great marriages start out as romances. Eros and ludus (Romantic love) can transition into agape and pragma (charity). Likewise, agape and pragma can produce or feed into feelings of eros or ludus. Feeling eros, ludus, and Romantic attraction for our spouses is good and appropriate when we have a foundation of agape to sustain our relationship. A relationship sprouting from eros and ludus will only truly bloom until it develops into agape and pragma.
Indian arranged marriage ceremony
Romantic Love is not Needed for Compatibility
Many people think that compatibility starts with feeling romantic love for our prospective spouse. Again, while having such feelings is not wrong, it is not necessary, nor is a lack thereof a sign that your relationship is destined to fail, or that you’re any less compatible than other couples.
Look at the many cultures in the Middle East, India, and southeast Asia that still practice arranged marriage. This is their cultural norm. Many of these marriages start out with both partners having little to no attraction for or romance with one another, so are they any less compatible and signed up for failure? No, their compatibility is often based off of different factors: family ties, financial stability, or societal and/or religious standards and responsibilities. In these marriages, commitment to God and society are paramount. Love and the resulting joy come later as each partner sacrifices for one other.
Some would argue that these marriages are better or more stable because they’re based off of something more important, and the numbers don’t lie. Various studies show that just about 5-7% of arranged marriages end in divorce compared to the over 50% of Western “marriages for love” that end up splitting. Of course, arranged marriages still have their issues—all marriages do—but spouses in these relationships tend to be much more committed to making the union work than spouses in marriages for love.
Although I am not advocating for arranged marriages, if we’re trying to live a more Biblically circumspect life, we shouldn’t discount the validity or successfulness of such a relationship choice. The vast majority of marriages in Old and New Testament times were arranged, and spouses tended to be betrothed early in youth. Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage was arranged by Abraham’s servant; Mary was betrothed to Joseph; and let’s not forget that Elohiym arranged Eve’s marriage to Adam. None of these couples chose their spouses nor did they “fall in love” with them beforehand. Their love for each other developed and grew after they had already married. Rather than needing to have all their emotional or carnal desires gratified, they had a greater vision and understanding of the higher purpose for their marriages.
Creation of Eve
Romanticism Adversely Affects Christians Experiencing Same-Sex Attractions
These things have massive implications for any couple considering marriage, but—since this blog specifically concerns issues regarding faith and same-sex attraction—these things are of even greater importance to members like myself, who experience same-sex attraction, but who want to be faithful to the Lord’s commandments, and want to marry heterosexually, but don’t see how that option could ever be possible for themselves. I am not promoting the idea that all individuals experiencing same-sex attraction can or should marry—Jesus did teach that some people may need to remain single and chaste for the kingdom of heaven’s sake (Matthew 19:12)—but too many same-sex-attracted Christians are completely disregarding the possibility of being able to marry heterosexually, because of the false notions of what Romanticism tells them that they need to feel for someone, or the ideals that need to be present in a relationship, in order for there ever to be chance of marriage being a viable option.
We worry that it just could never work out, because the romantic connection is missing. We doubt whether we will ever be able to have our needs fulfilled or that we will ever be able to fulfil the needs of our spouse, because that initial infatuation or romantic passion isn’t there in the dating process, as pop culture makes us think it needs to be. So, many of us get discouraged and think that marriage seems utterly unattainable, and the only possible way for us to be happy in a relationship is by breaking God’s law and marrying someone of the same gender. But, we’ve been lied to; and most of us are looking at relationships and marriage through a distorted lens.
Another huge concern for many of us, is if we’ll even be able to sexually perform well, or at all, with our spouse since the sexual attraction is absent or almost non-existent. The truth is, the sexual element of marriage is just one way couples can bond with each other. Figuring out sex and how to best sexually bond with your spouse takes time, humility, and patience in any marriage. Many of us are so worried about being able manufacture some intense, physically pleasurable sexual experience—and yes, the physical pleasure we feel is a beautiful part of the sexual bond—but many of us are placing way too much emphasis on the importance of sex, to where it distorts our view of what actually matters. We can be so concerned with the physical element of sex that we miss out on its deeper purpose: the emotional and spiritual bonding with our spouse and God; but, that’s a subject for another time.
I’m sure many people will accuse me of trying to take all the fun or “best” parts out of marriage, but I would object. The fact of the matter is, marriage is not meant to fulfil you and your happiness. Marriage isn’t about gratifying your desires. And no, you do not need to have Romantic love (including sexual attraction) for your potential spouse in order to have a successful and joyful marriage.
Look, no one wants to be miserable in marriage, but most of what we get out of marriage stems from our desires, expectations, and perspectives of what marriage is for. If we’re seeking our own happiness and gratification in marriage, we’re going to be disappointed and we’re going to struggle when life gets hard and challenges arise—and they will arise. No marriage is easy. But, are we in this commitment only if it brings us the satisfaction we want, or we’re going to divorce? We must stop living to fulfil our fantasies, and start trying to live according to God’s will and follow his heavenly model and purpose for marriage.
Pocatello Temple sealing room
God’s Purpose for Marriage: Holiness, not Happiness
No where in scripture does it mention that God’s purpose for marriage is to make us happy. It’s not meant to satisfy all our needs and desires; it’s not about what we want. God really only gives three clear reasons in scripture for the purpose of marriage:
For men and women to have a co-equal helpmeet or companion (Genesis 2:18-24; 1 Corinthians 11:11).
For men and women to multiply and replenish the earth (Genesis 1:28).
And ultimately, for men and women to reflect the image and divinity of our Heavenly Parents, follow their heavenly model, and eventually become like them (Genesis 1:26-27; D&C 131:1-4; 132:6-21).
The scriptures also never mention once that Romantic love must or should proceed marriage; it’s never listed as a prerequisite. Rather, I would argue, that having agape love is the only prerequisite that we really need. It’s this overarching love, this charity, that influences all of our intentions and actions. Without it, any relationship will fail. With it, our marriages can always succeed, despite the challenges that transpire.
As we go into marriage with agape love, we sacrifice our wants and desires and seek to serve one another. By expressing agape, husbands are better able to love their wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25-28). So likewise, wives will be willing to submit themselves to their husbands in service, as the Church submits to Christ (Ephesians 5:22-24). In this process of self-sacrifice, seeking to serve God and our spouses above our own desires, we nourish and sanctify one another; we make each other holy (1 Corinthians 7:14). With this perspective, we can see that marriage is more about our holiness, rather than our happiness.
“Men are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25), but there are two different types of joy: The joy the world offers; and the joy that comes through obeying God. The joy of the world lasts for a season, then fades (3 Nephi 27:11). The joy of the saints grows, enriches, and is unceasing. I have seen for myself, in my own marriage—even with all of our imperfections, and with the improvements that we still need to make—that as we set aside our worldly notions, establish a higher vision for what marriage should be, and seek to align our wills more with what God wants for us and our marriages, we can receive the enduring joy that comes by the Spirit through Christ Jesus. I have also experienced the immense joy and rejoicing in having my posterity. I want to focus my marriage on obtaining the joy I receive through serving my spouse and God, and by continuing to participate in his creation with him.
