The Support we REALLY Need as LDS Men Experiencing Same-Sex Attraction or Mental Health Issues: Genuine Friends
Occasionally, after I open up in a talk or in Elders Quorum about my struggles with SSA (same-sex attraction) and/or with mental health—these experiences usually go hand-in-hand—there’s usually that one guy out of the kindness of his heart cares enough to say something to the effect of, “I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.” It’s a sweet gesture—seriously, thank God for anyone willing to get out of their comfort zone enough to even offer support to someone struggling, rather than doing nothing about it—but in all honesty this approach is about as helpful as the below meme encapsulates.
I know for myself, and I know I’m also speaking on behalf of others, when I say that, opening up like this isn’t just us telling of our experiences; it’s a plea for help! It’s us asking for love, affirmation, acceptance, and support. Don’t get me wrong: Yes, verbal encouragement is good—I often will extend the same offer to be there for someone to talk to—but when it isn’t followed up with a hand reaching into the proverbial water to pull me out, it feels as if he’s just feeling bad for me, so he’s handing me some positive platitude, like a bandaid to cover a festering wound that really needs disinfecting and probably some serious antibiotics. We need someone to metaphorically and literally, physically, grasp our hand, pull us out of the water, and administer CPR if necessary.
I know that I personally don’t feel comfortable opening up about my challenges with someone with whom I don’t have a meaningful, established relationship with, who doesn’t really know me; and quite honestly, from someone who I feel really doesn’t care much for me. The vast majority of the relationships with other men that I find in the Church are so shallow and superficial. We wave high in the halls, fist bump, and maybe get a visit from a minister once in a blue moon, if we’re lucky, but that’s largely the extent of it. So, those of us who who are starving and desperate for more connection are left feeling empty and dejected, like no one really cares about us; that’s all just a show to make it seem like there’s brotherhood at church and in our quorums.
I cannot begin to tell you the intense pain and loneliness I’ve felt, when I’ve tried my hardest to get out of my shell and comfort zone to make guy friends, propose activities to do, try to follow up with them, but to receive little to no mutual interest or care from the other man in moving forward with any conversation or plans. Rationally, I understand people are busy and sometimes just forget to answer or follow up—I get it, being a husband and father myself—but for me and other men like me, who are starving for healthy platonic intimacy from our male peers, the silence and lack of followthrough, and the subsequent feelings of real or perceived rejection, leaves us feeling absolutely crushed, defeated, and unwanted. We feel like an annoying burden on society, that no one cares enough to even reciprocate our efforts.
What do we really need?
We need genuine, supportive, reciprocal friends.
This is what we truly need.
First to dispel any misguided assumptions: I am not saying that friends should be our fundamental source of support and healing; no that spot belongs to Jesus Christ and his healing salve of grace. (This blog post is being written with the assumption that we have a healthy relationships with Christ, that we’re getting aid from mental health professionals, and that we’re maintaining a healthy diet and getting exercise. And, if we’re lacking in any of these areas, we’re diligently seeking to rectify those weaknesses. Additionally, it’s assumed that we’re doing everything in our power to get out of our comfort zones to be proactive about getting help and building relationships with others in our communities, rather than just expecting others to be doing all the work to reach out to us.) But, as Christians, we are to be the physical manifestation of Jesus’ hands and feet on the earth, as if he were here. In my opinion, it’s most often through the ministering of mortal angels here on earth that Christ imparts grace and healing to help us in our struggles.
David & Jonathan covenant with each other
We all need our personal “Jonathan(s)”
A while back I watched an animated film, Luca, and found myself brought to tears by the beautiful, intimate friendship between two of the main characters, Luca and his friend Alberto. I realise that this is probably quite juvenile, maybe even somewhat of an immature reaction, but I feel that inside many of us experiencing this journey with SSA or mental illness, there is a broken inner child with severe unmet needs, yearning for nourishment and companionship. I think part of the reason it was so touching to me, is that it reminded me of the more mature, Biblically sound representation of this type of friendship between David and Jonathan, who, out of deep, platonic love for one another, “Jonathan committed himself to David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. … Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself” (1 Samuel 18:1-3); a love of which David said: “You [Jonathan] have been a close friend to me. Your love for me was more wonderful than the love of women” (2 Samuel 1:26). This is such a prime example that it isn’t just young boys and adolescents who need close friends. Even these married men needed the support and love that they gained from their intimate brotherhood—they made time for and sacrificed to maintain and nourish this brotherhood between themselves.
Yes, of course, I love my wife and my children, and cherish the relationships and intimacy that I enjoy with them, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t also need intimacy from my male peers—it seems that at least that David and Jonathan valued it enough and Jesus thought it crucial enough to make the time to foster this brotherhood with his apostles.
The Psychological Reasons for Needing Brotherly Intimacy
Andrew Rodriguez, LPC
Andrew Rodriguez, one of my favourite Christian influencers, a psychotherapist specialises helping men overcome unwanted sexual desires and behaviours through addressing childhood emotional wounds and trauma—along with other Christian mental health professionals who I follow—has stated frequently on his YouTube channel, PsychoBible, that the core issue with sexual addictions, like porn and masturbation, or SSA, is not an issue with porn or SSA itself; the core issue is a lack of healthy connection and intimacy in the individuals life. When a man, especially one experiencing SSA, is lacking this intimacy with his male peers, his emotional wounds and pain can tend to manifest as additions or as sexualising other men, as this is the way his mind tries to subconsciously cope and obtain the intimacy its starving for. He stresses that when men instead are able to foster and maintain connection and intimacy with other male peers, and receive healthy affection, affirmation, and validation from them, that this fulfilment helps them to gradually
outgrow addictions;
desexualise and subsequently feel less attraction for other men (if they’re SSA);
avoid seeking out connection, affection, or validation through porn or other ways;
feel more confident about themselves and their own masculinity.
According to Andrew, having these close friendships with other men is crucial for men’s development, progress, and mental wellbeing. A married man himself, he teaches that in order to become the well-rounded, mentally and emotionally mature God intends us to be, we need both intimacy from women and men, as there are certain types of intimacy that only woman can provide and that men can provide, and to be deprived other either leaves us developmentally stunted and incomplete.
Having this healthy connection and intimacy obviously cannot rid individuals of mental illness, like major depressive or anxiety disorders, however, I know, speaking for myself and others I know, just being to have other guys to be able to vent with and get a long hug from when I’m feeling down, helps me to feel and receive the hope and encouragement that I need to keep going. It’s a tragic burgeoning reality that loneliness is literally killing people, especially among men, because of the adverse health conditions that can materialise. According to a 2023 US Surgeon General’s advisory: “Lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.” We need friends and brotherhood in order to extend our longevity and to help us to thrive.
Conclusion
If you truly want to support individuals who may experiencing or struggling with SSA, mental health issues, and/or addictions, strive to be a friend and brother to them.
We need genuine friendships, with true, authentic friends who want to spend time with us, more than just a passing handshake and high-five at church; but friends who we can be ourselves around; friends who we can enjoy spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and platonic physical intimacy with.
We need supportive friendships, with friends who can help encourage us and lift us towards Christ; friends who can not only give us positive affirmation, but physically put an arm around us or embrace us, and comfort us in our times of need, providing us with the connection that we’re starving for.
We need reciprocal friendships, in which both friends put in equal effort and make the necessary time to foster, strengthen, and maintain the brotherhood.
We need you.
