Ultimate Belonging is Found in Jesus Christ.
Written by Alicia Young
I have wandered in and out of belonging and waded in shallow waters trying to find it. I have walked down many avenues seeking a place where I was fully accepted. True belonging has only ever come from one place: Jesus Christ.
I have a solid understanding that I belong to the Lord and that He loves me unconditionally, but, I haven't always known this with such certainty. For the last fifteen years of my life, I felt as though my soul was divided, which seemed to distort my perception of belonging.
Symbolically, I viewed my soul as the image of the Yin-Yang. Yin and Yang typically describe opposite forces that somehow interconnect. The white area (Yang) represented my love for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I joined the Church at age 19 and I felt God's all-encompassing love for me for the first time. Two years later, I served a mission in Independence, Missouri, and it meant everything to me to teach of God's love. After returning home, I confronted my own desire for a romantic relationship with a woman. I felt a void in my heart, because I couldn't experience a romantic connection in the way that made sense to me. This represented the black circle within the Yang. I had the joy of the gospel and felt the greatest love that I had ever known from my Father in Heaven, yet I still felt like there was this void; something so strong that held such importance to my identity, which eventually wore down my resolve to stay active in the gospel.
The black side (Yin) represented my life when I acted on my same-sex attraction and experienced that connection with someone of the same sex. There was an even greater and deeper painful void, which was represented by the white circle within the Yin. In living my life this way, I had betrayed my Savior and my Heavenly Father and abandoned my covenant life, which I had promised to live. That left a gaping hole in my soul that I could not repair while I lived in the Yin.
The dichotomy was intense. I was deceived, in that I started to believe I didn't belong in the Church and I almost completely lost all hope that my soul would ever feel whole. I wanted to live the gospel, but I didn't know how to be true to myself and be true to God. It was deeply painful, and I felt so alone and different.
Even though I chose the world for several years of my life, I never really felt like I belonged in the world, because deep down I always knew that living the gospel of Jesus Christ was what brought me joy. It was what nourished me with sacred peace that I couldn't find anywhere else.
I went to many extremes trying to find my place. I was inactive for a year or so, and then had my records removed, because I didn't understand how I could reconcile my soul. I really felt that I didn't belong anywhere. I did things my way for as long as I could handle. There was no longer peace in my life. There was only fear, confusion, darkness and pain. In searching for myself, I lost who I was and the light that I once had.
I got to my rock bottom, and I was low enough to finally hear the Lord again. He had great mercy on me, and through a rippling of outright miracles, the Savior's atonement, my spiritual tenacity, and an army of kind Christian soldiers, I was led out of dark vapours to safety. I was re-baptized one year ago, as of this Sunday (February 19, 2023).
In the process of returning, I saw the vain emptiness of my life and felt the overwhelming glorious love of Heavenly Father. I came to understand that the fulfillment and the happiness that I sought in same-gender relationships was not to be found. I knew greater joy in the covenant life that I had given up. I had only fleeting moments of happiness and belonging when I was trying to live a life without the Lord, and when I was desperately seeking to find a middle ground that does not exist.
I know now that Jesus Christ offers ultimate, sustainable belonging. Our Father in Heaven is a good Father, and as we trust Him, He makes a way. The Savior really does save. He reached me in desperate circumstances and spiritually resuscitated my soul. I wholeheartedly accept the absolute necessity for making and keeping covenants and how that strengthens belonging with the Lord. As I have willingly and repeatedly chosen the Lord over the last year, He has healed me. I am no longer divided. My soul is no longer Yin and Yang; it is a whole circle.
Words cannot adequately express my gratitude in knowing that I belong to God. Though there are many unknowns, I have so much peace and joy knowing my true identity is in Him.
Every one of us is important in the kingdom of God. We all have heartbreaking stories that others may not know about. We all have had experiences where we felt that we didn't belong, but we do! We all belong to Christ and are connected to Him. No amount of resistance, hostility, rebellion or denial changes that.
Loving-kindness, acceptance and inclusion is everything. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said that “As our Church population grows ever more diverse, our welcome must grow ever more spontaneous and warm. We need one another” (The Doctrine of Belonging; D. Todd Christofferson).
I can tell you that, as I worked to come back to the gospel, I felt an ever-more, spontaneous, and warm welcome from Church members. The actions and words of members in my ward helped me to feel like I belonged and that I mattered. Many different people came to help the missionaries teach me, and they were so concerned about my happiness and spiritual wellness. They had such a sincere desire to serve me. I felt such Christ-like love from them. I had members of my ward, who didn't know me, tell me how needed and valuable I am. Hearing that made me feel so loved and wanted.
The apostle Paul spoke to the Corinthians about what it means to be united in diversity: He explains that the body of Christ is one, with many members; and that all the members of that body should be one, as Christ is. He explains that not one of us has more importance than any another. He said, “If the foot shall say, ‘Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body’; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, ‘Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body’; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?” (1 Corinthians 12:15-26). He is demonstrating that even though we are vastly different, we are all needed.
He goes on to say, “But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. And the eye cannot say unto the hand, ‘I have no need of thee’: nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary.”
Unfortunately, it's commonplace to judge those we don't understand or don't agree with. Some may think that certain individuals or groups of people are not really needed. But, the truth is that God loves all His children equally and that diversity makes us stronger.
Paul continues, “And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.”
There has never been any prestigious ranking system with the Lord. We are all equal in His eyes. He ministered to the rich, the adulterer, the widow, the disabled, and He loved them all the same. He never esteemed one person above another.
The Savior revealed to Joseph Smith: “Let every man esteem his brother as himself, and practice virtue and holiness before me ... I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:25, 27).
The Lord requires that we use our hands and our hearts to help and love our brothers and sisters. It's important to recognize that just as God is no respecter of men, neither should we be. Love and belonging is a basic need. The Savior knew this. Everything He did was out of love. We must always remember this and emulate Him when division whispers in our ears.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “The Savior loves all of God’s children regardless of their socioeconomic circumstance, race, religion, language, political orientation, nationality, or any other grouping. And so should we!” (The Greatest among You; Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
What would it look like to be more inclusive, to step out of our comfort of what's familiar, or to reach out to someone we typically wouldn't?
I pray that I always remember how it felt to live in Yin and Yang so that I can be empathetic and inclusive. I also pray that we remember that we're all on different paths back to God and that we never know what someone is battling with inside, and therefore to love more like Jesus Christ.
It is a tremendous blessing to be a member of this Church again and to have an assurance that God won't give up on me, that there is freedom in repentance and that I am known and loved by Heavenly Parents.
Jesus Christ loves every one of us perfectly. We are known by Him and we belong to Him. God always keeps His promises and there is ultimate belonging in making and keeping sacred covenants with Him. He has something better for each of us that we could never find on our own. Miracles happen all the time, we just have to have the eyes to see them.
