Homosexuality is Just Something That We Know How to Do
I recently completed a course with Dr Jeff Robinson focused on reframing our perspective on homosexual attraction and what to do about it. Dr Robinson obtained a Phd in Marriage and Family Therapy, and has spent over 25 years counselling individuals experiencing homosexual attraction in his private practice. His expertise and knowledge on this subject is indispensable. It was enlightening to hear his insight on how to make homosexuality less of an issue in our lives in the context of faith and covenant keeping. He invited us several times to share what we learned with others, so this is my attempt to execute that invitation, and to hopefully reconvey his message as clearly and concisely as possible.
In this class, he made the bold assertion, as the premise of the entire course, that “same-sex attraction is just something we know how to do”. (See Dr Robinson’s FAIR presentation on this topic here: Thinking Differently About Same-Sex Attraction.) An intriguing concept that gave me a better perspective regarding my personal journey dealing with homosexuality, and something that I think more people need to hear and consider in their journeys reconciling faith and sexual attractions.
Since our perception of what causes homosexual attraction has immense influence on how we will behave in response to those attractions, for individuals outside and inside the Church, understanding this topic can have tremendous implications for the direction of our future lives. Many within our community fret and debate over the cause of homosexual attractions. All suppositions on causation can be boiled down to essentially three theories: On one extreme side of the spectrum, some ignorantly posit that homosexuality is merely a choice; on the opposite side, many claim individuals are “born that way”; while many others theorise that the attractions are a symptom of deeper psychological wounds or traumas from early in childhood, and unmet needs for intimacy or belonging. It’s basically an argument between agency, nature, and nurture.
I’m not going to delve into a thorough debunking of each of these—while I’m personally biased toward believing that homosexuality is developed through a combination of nature and nurture—I do want to briefly address the false notions that homosexual attractions are (1) just a choice or that (2) individuals are born that way. The idea that these attractions are merely something we choose to have is so incredibly ridiculous and insulting that it really doesn’t even deserve to be addressed substantively. The latter theory, however, that homosexually-attracted people have some “gay gene” they’re born with, requires refutation, because it not only affects those in the secular world, but many same-sex-attracted members of the Church use this falsehood as “scientific” proof to support their theology that God created them as homosexual, and therefore same-gender relationships and sexual relations are not sinful. This premise is easily debunked by knowing facts, however. But, don’t take it from me; take it from Dr Lisa Diamond:
Dr Diamond, a self-identifying lesbian and professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah—and no friend of conservative Christian beliefs on sexual ethics—taught in many publications and a 2018 TedTalk, that not only is sexuality not genetic, but that sexuality is fluid; there is a certain degree of plasticity with attractions. (I’m not going to get into the scientific studies that she cites, but you can watch the full lecture for that info here: Why the “Born This Way” argument doesn't advance LGBT equality.) Now, she does not teach this as a way to deconstruct the idea of sexual orientation, nor does she support therapeutic intervention to change one’s sexuality; on the contrary. Her belief is that the “born this way” argument is not only unsubstantiated by science, but is also detrimental to LGBT rights advocacy. And while I disagree with her worldview, I applaud her honesty to stand for the truth that sexuality is not something immutable and fixed from birth, but that it can, and often does, change over time. This has tremendous implications for Christian men like me experiencing homosexual attractions, who want to bridle their sexuality within the bounds the Lord has set. And, it’s this fact that also gives immense weight to Dr Robison’s message.
Although an imperfect analogy, let’s equate “homosexuality” with “speaking English”. Much like learning our native language, homosexual attraction is something developed unnoticeably and incrementally over time. I didn’t choose to learn English, I didn’t pursue specialised schooling or other programmes to learn it, it simply developed naturally through my upbringing and my environment. Speaking English is just something I know how to do naturally; I speak it without even thinking about it.
While Dr Robinson does not claim that homosexual attractions are something developed, he posits that sexual attractions are not something immutable, but also they are not something that will ever completely change or diminish. I will always know English. I can try to learn German—in reality, I did study German for five years of my life—and can even achieve a high level of fluency, but I will never fully forget my knowledge of the English language. I can move to Germany, thoroughly immerse myself in German language and culture, never speaking a word of English again, and I may start to forget certain words, idioms, or grammar, but I will still retain the ability to speak it if I wanted to. And, just like with learning a new language, the good news is that we can learn heterosexuality too! This often happens naturally—as Dr Diamond emphasises—but can also be actively developed; this is where the concept of sexual plasticity plays in.
Dr Robinson’s assertion is that causation isn’t even something necessary to understand. It can often lead down a frustrating and damaging rabbit hole, without seeing any substantial results. We don’t need to worry about or obsess over whether nature or nurture was the contributing factor. This only feeds into a cycle of shame, because we’re unable to get rid of and overcome the attractions. His message instead is that homosexual attractions, for whatever reasons, are “just something we know how to do”, like we know how to speak our native language. For whatever reasons, we just feel sexually aroused by certain things about men—that’s all there is to it. Once we come to accept and be at peace with that, we can then choose how to act on this knowledge. And, if acting on that “language” does not align with our moral and religious convictions, we don’t need to act on it. We can move to a new “nation” or “lifestyle”, and learn a new language. It may not come as naturally as our native tongue, but with practice, we can become proficient at it and learn to enjoy and thrive with it. Much like graduating from more immature and uncultured palettes and tastes to exploring a new world of more enriching, acquired smells and flavours. This plasticity is possible, and I’ve seen it happen in the lives of others and in my own life.
This is not to say that homosexually-attracted individuals should undergo therapeutic intervention to force a “conversion” from homosexuality to heterosexuality—that’s just not going to happen—and forms of intervention like this have been proven to be horribly destructive to one’s mental health. But, there are legitimate forms of therapy—Reintegrative Therapy being the most successful approach, in my opinion—that rather look to address childhood wounds and traumas, through which resolution many same-sex-attracted individuals have been able to achieve a significant decrease in the severity of their homoerotic urges and attractions. This, paired with mending broken attachments and fostering healthy intimacy with those of the same gender, has brought immense healing to those dealing with this issue. This has also been true for me, as I’ve formed healthy relationships with men and am able to have platonic intimacy with them.
Some of us Christians experiencing homosexual attractions view them as a monstrous dragon that needs to be eliminated before we can have any real progress in our social and religious journeys. So, many of us spend a great deal of time and energy trying to slay this dragon, to finally be rid of it ruining our lives, nearly always to no avail. Dr Robinson stresses that this is completely unnecessary. In fact, taking this approach only bolsters the dragon’s power over our lives. We can disarm the power the dragon has in our lives by simply walking away from it, putting ever-increasing distance between us and it, to where eventually it cannot exert any more power over us. Much like the analogy of me moving to Germany and immersing and assimilating myself into the language and culture there, eventually forgetting my English.
Another way to see this is like the Native American parable of the two wolves within us: As the parable goes, in each of us are two wolves fighting for dominance. The one we choose to feed is the one who will dominate the other. The one we neglect will eventually starve and die. If we choose to give inordinate time, attention, and focus on our homosexual attractions, they will become a much larger and more established issue in our lives. If we choose to instead focus on more worthy pursuits, homosexuality will not have as great of an impact in our journeys—again, not a perfect analogy, but I think you get the point.
What does this look like in reality? For me, it’s meant realising that homosexual attraction is not part of my identity, and focusing solely on my eternal identity, purpose, and birthright, as a son of God and heir to him through covenant. It’s meant sacrificing and consecrating my sexuality to the Lord, and pursuing a temple marriage with a woman to emulate the marriage between my Heavenly Parents. It’s meant learning the language of celestial relationship between a married man and woman, the joys of sexual relations with a woman, and experiencing joy and rejoicing in my posterity. Learning this language hasn’t made me completely forget the homosexual attraction that I know how to do, but it isn’t a big issue in my life anymore. It’s eclipsed by the joy that I find in the even more beautiful language of covenant relationship that I have with my God, my wife, and my children. And so, the appeal of that old language, homosexuality, just slowly fades away into obscurity and irrelevance, because I have something so much better!
To reemphasise: We are not born and predestined to be homosexual. For whatever reasons, we just simply have these attractions. Homosexuality is merely something we know how to do; it is only something which we know how to do; it is nothing more than something which we know how to do. While undergoing therapy can be helpful in finding some resolution and healing, worrying and obsessing over the cause and reasoning for these attractions is completely unnecessary, and often only makes the situation worse. But, we have ultimate power and agency over how we respond to them. We can make them a massive influence and focus in our lives, keeping ourselves stuck in a spiritual mire, or we can simply acknowledge them as part of our experience and move on in our eternal progression, in following Christ, and in building Zion. I choose the latter choice. I hope you will too.
